


The Truth

by classicasshole



Series: The Long Conversation [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, I'm Sorry, M/M, One Shot, Please Don't Kill Me, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Unrequited Love, both steve and bucky need to work on their communication skills, boys crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 12:31:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8249156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classicasshole/pseuds/classicasshole
Summary: One shot - Bucky has been at the Avengers Tower for several months. Living with Steve is bringing back old memories and feelings, Bucky does not deal well with it, neither does Steve





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic so please be kind. Comments are welcomed, I'm fine with constructive criticism just please be kind!
> 
> This is post-WS, Steve found Bucky sometime after AoU and brought him back to the tower, CW never happens.

“I have done everything for you! I went searching for you right after Project Insight, brought you into my group of friends. You stay in the tower, get medical treatment from Tony’s staff! Why do keep acting like I don’t care!”

The words were supposed to be pleading but all Bucky hears is indignation, he can’t control the venom that spews forth. “You went searching for me?” , he sneers. “I distinctly remember your right hand man following up on leads when you had more important things to worry about. Now I don’t really care about that, you’re a busy man, I know, but don't you dare pretend like I was ever a priority for you. Our friendship has always been something you tended to in your spare time. Don't stand there and lie to me or so help me God Rogers I will punch you in your self-righteous face”. Bucky’s chest is heaving by the end of his rant. He can feel all the years’ resentment built up and if Steve makes a wrong move now he will just explode with such force that the Avengers will be on him in an instant, taking out any threat to their beloved Captain.

“Bucky, I know you have been angry with me, with everyone in the tower for a while now. I thought it was about Tony and Natasha! Where is all this coming from! You have always been my friend, my number one priority. How cou...”

“Don’t”, Bucky cut him off, “You really don’t want to go down this path. Neither of us will be able to come back from it”.

“Bucky please...talk to me. What the hell are you talking about?”, Steve pleads, looking beseechingly at the man he used to call his best friend.

In the end it was the clueless look on Steve’s face that did it for Bucky. That the person he was closest to in the entire world could be so oblivious to his pain just broke his damn heart. A deep sadness formed in Bucky just then, a black pit that he would never be able to climb out from. But with sadness there is also blinding anger, a brilliant fury directed at the man standing in front of him, the man who had looked him over, who had, whenever he got the chance, chosen everything, everyone BUT Bucky. The desire to inflict some pain back on Steve, to hurt him the way he has been hurting Bucky since the 1920’s, is just too much.

“This is so much more than your new friends Rogers. I’m angry not at the people in this tower, even though most of them hate me. No, this is about how I am just an afterthought to you, Steven Rogers. I was there for you through everything, the sickness, the bullies, Sarah’s death. I gave you my unconditional love, asking for nothing in return, I was just happy you kept me around. 

But now looking back over all my years I hate myself, truly hate myself. Not for the people I’ve killed or the lives I’ve ruined. No. I hate myself because I let you take me for a fool. I was devoted to you, would have given you anything you asked for. When you were sick I stole medicine from the Fairchild’s pharmacy. How many black eyes, torn shirts and broken bones did I get because of you”, he was shouting now. “Wading into fights that you couldn’t handle. You never gave a damn about what your stupid pride cost me! How people on our street saw me! The reputation I got because of you and what it all cost me! No you never once thought about how Bucky Barnes might have felt, his feeling were not something you concerned yourself with” he spits.

Steve just stands, frozen, staring at Bucky, eyes as big and round as saucers. The shock on Steve’s face just spurs Bucky on, getting a sick satisfaction from the horror dawning on Steve’s face.

“What bout my last night in Brooklyn. You remeber don’t ya Stevie?”, he taunts. “I wanted to spend it with you. Even got a nice girl, one I thought you might get on with. But no Steve Rogers was going to do what Steve Rogers wanted to do. You abandoned me the night before I shipped out to war, goddam WAR Steve! You might have been excited for it, desperately wanting it. Not me I never wanted to go, I was terrified. But you never saw that did you? You never stopped to think how I was feeling about shipping out, about killing men, about dying. No. I don’t know if you never cared or you were just arrogant enough to think you ever knew me so well”.

Bucky could hear Steve’s breathing, deep and steady , overly controlled. Well, Bucky would see if he could crack that façade, he pushes on, determined.

“And then the war. God, you were so happy, the happiest son a’ bitch in the whole of Europe. You finally got what you wanted, the world be damned. And yeah you saved me, thanks for that I guess. Do you remember what you said to me when we got back to base camp after Azzano, do you?”

Steve nods mutely, his eyes stubbornly dry but puffy and red. Now that wouldn’t do, Bucky wants to hear him say it, hear his own lies.

“What did you tell me Stevie. Say it”, Bucky commands.

“... That it was my turn to take care of you”, Steve whispers brokenly. Finally, tears run free down his cheeks, Bucky nots with grim satisfaction. He ploughs on.

“And did you take care of me Steve? No. You, you dragged me back into that god forsaken war. And I will hate myself forever for following you. We both know I could have gone home, back to my parents, to my sisters, with an honourable discharge. But no, I stayed with you, protected you. And what did I get for my troubles. A front row seat to you and Peggy fucking Carter. And you had to have known what that would do to me. But you didn’t care. You never cared.

“I spent so much time hating her. I knew it was jealousy, but it was easier to hate her then hating you. She looked at you the way I looked at you, she saw in you what I saw. But the way you look at her, the way I wished you had looked at me...”, Bucky draws in a ragged breath. 

He has come this far, just short of baring his soul to this man in front of him. He had done that once before and been crushed. He should have left then, at 16 years old, the first time Steve rejected Bucky’s love. But Bucky had been weak, wanted to be with Steve in any way he could. So he stayed then. With Bucky silently screaming, and if anybody had bothered to look at him, really look at him they would have seen the desperate tortured man behind his eyes. Nobody looked at him that deeply, none of the girls he spent time with in Brooklyn, none of his fellow soldiers, not even his own best friend. 

“You tormented me, flaunting your relationship with Carter right in front of me. Did you ever think of me once during that whole damn time.”

“Buck, I thought you had moved on by then, it had been 10 years by that point, since you told me”, Steve chokes out.

“Did I ever give you the impression I stopped loving you?”, Bucky’s voice like ice.

“All that time? Even when you were seeing Molly...and Dot? You never mentioned it again.”

“I never mentioned it because I was not what you wanted but I was desperate enough to stay with you...Huh... I really shouldn’t be angry with you at all, its all on me. I brought all of this on myself...”, Bucky paused, then without warning broke out laughing, a hysterical, manic laugh. It terrified Steve.

Bucky looked up at Steve then, still bent over double, clutching his sides and chuckling darkly. “Maybe I was being punished for my crimes as the Winter Soldier before I had committed them. Proactive penance. Having to watch you get everything you desired and slowly watching myself be erased from your life. When you had no more need for me. After the serum you didn’t need anyone to defend you, and you had everybody fawning over you, no need for that sad sap Bucky Barnes any more. All he was good for to Stevie Rogers was a right hook and foolish devotion. You had no need for with of those things after the serum”. The hysteria in Bucky’s voice had fades, and the manic gleam in his eye is gone, he just stands there, at a loss for what to do next. 

“Bucky”, Steve whispers his name in a thick, devastated voice, slowly taking a step forward, his hand stretched out beseechingly. Bucky stares straight ahead, his eyes unseeing. Steve has to try and get through to him, anger would have been preferable to the emptiness that fills Bucky now.

“I am so sorry. If I had know that you had still felt that way all those years...well I don’t know what I would have done, I just know I would have done things differently. You have to know I did, I do care about you. So much. That day you told me you loved me, I was terrified. I knew what would have happen to us if we had chosen each other. My life was nothing special, I was not supposed to live past 20, but you! You were destined to have a life, a wife and kids. I never thought it was a real option, I didn’t want to put you in danger, I never wanted to hold you back. When you agreed to pretend it never happened, I thought you would move on. You had the girls lining up for you. Please, you have to believe me, you are my best friend.” Steve is not too proud to beg. He desperately needs Bucky to understand, he never intended to hurt him as badly as he has. 

Bucky’s eyes roam over Steve’s face, devoid of any emotion. “No Steve I was never your best friend, I was the most convenient option available to you back then. And now, well you have made it painfully clear that that title goes to Wilson, or Romanoff. I was never your best friend but you were always mine. I loved you with everything I had and it wasn’t enough, its still not enough”.

Steve pleads, “I loved Peggy, I will always love her, we could have had a life together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Bucky I never looked at you in that way, I didn’t let myself. And I am so sorry that I dragged you into so much trouble. But you have to believe me when I say that that was never my intention!”, Steve looks at the hopelessness in Bucky’s face, the pain at hearing Steve’s words. It is only now that Steve realises the true extent of Bucky’s pain, the devastation and heartbreak that he has carried for a almost a century. The guilt is threatening to crush Steve, but he has to put Bucky first for once in his sorry life. Push aside his own emotions and tend to Bucky’s, painfully aware of how neglectful and selfish he has been. He has to be honest with himself and face up to the truth if he has any chance of reaching Bucky.

“You are right I didn’t think about your needs or wants, I was selfish. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. Please give me another chance, I know I don’t deserve it but I’m begging you, please just look at me.”

Bucky turns his face towards Steve but his eyes are glazed over, far away, Steve just hopes that Bucky can hear him. “I will do anything, I will take time off from the Avengers, we can rent an apartment somewhere just you and me. Whatever you need just tell me please.”

Bucky’s eyes focus, he seems to be more present now. He closes his eyes and breathes out. Steve waits, he will be patient, whatever Bucky needs.

“I am leaving”, Steve didn’t know what he was expecting but the words make him want to scream. Bucky continues, steady and monotone, “You will not follow me and if any of your friends try to search for me I will kill them”.

There are so many things Steve wants to say, his heart twisting in his chest, he is going to be sick. He desperately wants to grab Bucky, make him stay and talk this out, no matter how hard it is. But he realises its too late. He has failed his best friend and never even realise it. The pain Bucky had been going through and how Steve never had an inkling. He watches as Bucky walks to the elevator. Steve is too devastated to even ask F.R.I.D.A.Y when Bucky had left the building. He collapses, chest constricting and gasping for air, on the floor of the common room. The full weight and realisation of what Bucky has just confessed hasn’t sunk in yet. When it does the pain will be one hundred times worse, and Steve can only think that he deserves every bit of it. 

That’s how the Avengers find him two hours later. Kneeling in the same spot on the floor. Dry sobs racking his body. They all know there is only one person who can bring their Captain to his knees. They spring into action immediately. Stark asking F.R.I.D.A.Y about Barnes’ whereabouts. Natasha checking over her weapons with a murderous expression on her face. It is Sam who goes over to Steve, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

Steve looks up at his friends, “No”, he say clear and loud. They all stop and look at him incredulously. Steve stands up, shrugging Sam’s hand off. He says again, “No. Bucky is gone, and no one will look for him”

“Hold on there Cap...” Tony interrupts.

Steve glares at him, “I said no one is going to go after him. You don’t get to know the reason why, you will just do this one simple thing. If you chose to ignore me, then you can deal with the consequences yourselves. I sure as hell am not going against Bucky’s wishes ever again.”

With that Steve leaves his friends in stunned silence as he exits, through the same elevators that Bucky had hours earlier, head hung low and shoulders hunched. Defeated.

**Author's Note:**

> I was planning on writing a long multi-chapter fic but thought I would just try a short one first and see how it goes.
> 
> This is my interpretation of Steve and Bucky's characters, neither of them are perfect, they both have flaws and are only human. Keep this in mind> I love both these characters and just wanted to write something angsty. Sorry!
> 
> Any comments or feed back would be great, just keep it polite. We're all friends here :P
> 
> Find me ontumblr


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